Hello Blog

Hello my lovely blog.

I take a look at myself past these years and realise..I have been complaining about this and that like a bitch. My attitude can be so mean at times.

Well, lots of changed and I do sow what I reap.

But I am not perfect, so bad karma do comes back to me too.

I should stop complaning and whining and work on myself.

A different take in life

Anxiety.

 I started to realize how bad it can cause my health. Increased heart beat, the fear of death, the state of uncontrolled mind and the feeling of being not being in control. This continuous fear lead me to be fearful of every little thing. I decided to seek help when I realize I couldn't even take MRT! It all started with the fear of aging. It all started with having a child. Being the sole caregiver and the only person to take care of my own precious child, the responsibility is high. The stress is high. Slowly I realize I couldn't enjoy being with her. Fears start to rise as I am afraid I would faint while being out with her and she will be kidnap away. More of these wild thoughts spin around. My confidence level drop as I realized I am aging and my body is not going to be as strong too. I started to lay on bed more often and tell everyone that I am tired. I didn't know I am getting into the deep hole of anxiety. I feel most secure when Nick is around with me and help me to take care of Caitlyn. I started to find counsellor and read up books about anxiety. I keep a logbook about it to keep track of my trigger points. And I realize I need to have more ME time and go out more often to meet up with friends so as to build up my confidence again. Being a stay at home mother is not as easy as what everyone thinks. We feel trapped, belittled, looked down and helpless at times. Who will know our kind of depression? Yet we need to function 100% all the time to keep the family going. It is the toughest job on earth. And I realize I am expecting too much of myself. 

I decided to give myself a break and lower my expectations. This is when everything starts to get better. I cried after enrolling Caitlyn in full time kindergarten care. I cried hard after visiting my dog who is terribly ill in a vet shop in Kovan. I force myself to take MRT alone from punggol to Kovan and just a short journey is enough to make my mind go whirling non stop with negative thoughts. Just a 10 minute journey seems like a 30 minutes journey. This is the first break through for me and the route of self recovery. 

I realize anxiety is link to depression. Then I realize I need to admit that I have depression too. I started to read up positive quotes and try to build up positive vibes and I will stay away from people who bring me down. I open up to my sisters about my anxiety and all these make me feel so much better. As I don't need to act normal anymore. The fear of being abnormal is strong too. But I soon realize that many of my friends have issues of anxiety but they just don't show it. Until I told them about mine, they started to shared with me about theirs. It makes me feel normal and accepted. 

I started to have the courage to look into my own health issue too. I went for a womb scan as I have spotting and is not normal for my body. Fyroid and cysts are found and my fyroid is hard and bloody. This is not good as 4 out of 1000 will be develop into cancer. Did a cancer marker test and one of my marker is 0.06 more than normal. My fyroid is very deep in so I need a csect operation to take out the cells and test is it is a cancerous. If it is, they will remove my whole womb. This send me into a deep cancer scare and I changed my whole perspective about life. I realized I need to live without regrets and I have no time to waste. I started to care more about myself. I decided to give my womb one chance. My friend recommended me to go into Malaysia to see a TCM doctor and my hubby is kind enough to go in with me everytime. My hope is for the fyroid and cysts to shrink and disappear. The TCM told me to have a diet which is diary free and can only consume seasonal fish and pork. With this diet, I slim down a lot.

And just two weeks ago, my good friend also fell ill. She's been diagnosed with a rare brain condition and being hospitalised for a few weeks. It is very heartbreaking to see how she suffer. She also start to have fainting spells, which is the thing that I fear most. Through her experience, I actually reduce my fear for fainting and learn how to cope with it. She is experiencing anxiety now and I am using my coping skills to help her.

And remember my little Bambi? Although she is back at home but she is not as strong as before. She is on steroids now. You know what it means. My mother is the sole care giver now as my sisters have been so busy travelling around the world. I don't blame them too. They are aging too and I believe they want no regrets in their life. Bambi is aging now, with a diet of frog meat to munch on only. She is on her last leap of life. My mummy say she is getting weaker everyday.

As i read through my blogs in the past years, it has been happy and hopeful and full of cuteness. I am turning 39 in a few more days. I need to accept aging but although I will stay young at heart. I need to accept that there is no forever in life. No one will stay with you forever. I am also not ashamed of the mental condition that I am in now as I am learning to cope although sometimes I may still fall into the black hole of useless fear and depressed thoughts.

This year is the most challenging year in my life but I am proud that I am able to overcome all the challenges in little steps. Life is not all about rainbows. It is about still able to shelter and protect ourselves even if thunderstorm come. And when another rainbow comes, I will appreciate it more. 

Alarming Message

A post pop up from Facebook which makes me reflect on my life all of a sudden. Yes, I have only 4 months of 2016 before another new year arrives. 2016 has been good to me but I have a new goal in mind. And for this, I need a healthy body. And of course, having a healthy body is always my goal for my whole family. What is more important than health?

Sad to say, I fail in that area. I did not really take good care of myself. I did start to eat simple and I have reduced my intake of processed food. I have been sharing food with CaitLyn as her diet is super healthy. When I need titbits, I munch on white and black sesame seeds. I cut down on chocolate intake and restrict Nick to buy any ice cream back home. Yes, I am an ice cream monster! I can snack on one bar per day till I kill the whole box!

But well, I did all these just for slimming down! I need to exercise! I need to! But I am lazy and tired to start! In order to exercise, the ideal plan is to get up at 7am to eat, exercise and cook. After that, I will need to vacuum the whole house and wake up my toddler. When my toddler is up, my super busy day begins. I need to sleep early to make my plans happen!

If I sleep early, that would mean a cut-down on my ME time and I need it to keep myself sane. I would surf the net and whatsapp my friends till 1am. 

I know is a mess. A luxury mess. When can I get the determination to sleep early? And I thought this "2017 is coming" message is alarming enough. Well, bet it just reminds me to get my motherhood life more organized. 

Duh. Jia you Mummy Carole! 

YearninG

Somehow I know it may not be possible. But I am 6 days late. But I still wanna have a false hope that it is true. Although deep inside me, I think is only a 50% chance. 

I have been wanting to have, but not him. We are not on the same page on this. Reason being financial difficulties. Well, to me is just an excuse. I can feel that his possible fear of not having the yearn for it.

We might not manage if I really get what I wish. But life is always full of challenges. But he is not in good shape himself.

Meanwhile, just to blog this as a memorable joyful feeling. The possibility of having it.

But the truth might be.....

Photos to track her growth (photobomb)

She is finally 2!!!

Baby and me at 25 months

Cheeky baby at 26 months old.

Pinky at 27 months old.

Little one at 28 months old with Er yi.

With her favorite yiyi. 29 months old.

N her victory sign starts!! Hahhaa!!! 30 months old.

My current 31 months old sweetie. I love you to the moon and back!!!

From a baby to a toddler

 Wow wow wow, so from where should I start? I have been missing for so long from this blog! Well, I could only say that my little girl has turned into a very very adorable toddler. She is like a 小大人now.

This is her signature "victory" sign now when taking photos! How cute is that? She is a tall girl standing at 93cm at only 31 months old.

Lazy mama have not toilet trained her yet. Seriously am dreading it. My years being a childcare educator make me realize how dirty toilet training is. Haha! Ok, excuses!!! Whack me hard please!!I should really start doing it!!!!

Meanwhile, my little girl just started to master singing and now she is able to complete the first two sentences of "twinkle twinkle little star". I actually wrote down all the lyrics of the songs that I taught her to sing on an exercise book. Then, I pointed word by word to her while I sing it! This little girl is definitely enjoying it! 

Kiasu mummy also has taught her phonics and she has almost mastered all her sounds! 

We went to celebrate my da sao's birthday at my brother's house last Saturday. 

Look at how happy my da Sao is. I think she must have wished she have a little daughter of her own! Benjamin has grew up to be a handsome and fit teen.

Went for Ramen at nex on last Friday and this girl is doing her favorite "victory" sign again! 😂😂😂😂

This ramen stall named "men chi" at Nex is really the best ramen I have! It is the only ramen that is comparable to the one I have at Hokkaido. The soup is thick pork borth and you can taste the pork. It is sweet yet mild and it is full of collagen. You don't get thirsty after it and that means no MSG!! 

Ok, got to end this post suddenly. Will update more, soon... I hope!

It is year 2015 now.. But in the year 2014, many things happened. It has been kept sort of a secret and only my close friends knew about it. To track back, I remembering Caitlyn has tummy discomfort and    a so called episode of diahorrea but it couldn't get well and two months passed. I am still breastfeeding her and as days passed, she actually get more tired and swollen. A few days after Christmas I decided to send her to Kkh to have her thoroughly checked up. We wasted one week admitted in the hospital as the doctor refused to let her see the gastro doctor, they only do so when her condition worsen. And by the time it is, she is too swollen to have any plug inserted and need to be send to NICU. She is as swollen as a pig and her eyes couldn't open. My heart aches and I need to set up a brave front while all the doctors asked me questions. They found out her protein is low and thus the water retention. And due to the serious delay in treatment, her electrolytes are seriously off
Balance. The gastro team are in to treat her and the whole journey begins. They tube feed her, gave her albumin infusion, hook her up on TPN drop and even considered to tranfuse blood to her. Yes, that is how sick my little one is. And when she is about to discharge, she caught a flu bug. We went back home and failed to nurse her back to health and therefore she couldn't passed her first review after admission and is admitted into hospital again. This time round, we put her into isolation room and they did a more thorough checkup and she is hooked up back on TPN drip. The drip is the one that nurse her back to health but the side effect is that it will affect the kidney. The days in hospital is HELL to me. Everyday is spent trying to feed her the smelly milk while she ate her food unwillingly. And we tested every kind of food in hospital to see if she has reaction to it. The gastro doctor think it is a case of food allergy and still rope in the immunologist to do a thorough checkup. Results came back that her white blood cells is abnormally low, and she is being suspected of having immune defiency. My whole world seems to collapse on me as I see this poor little baby suffer all these.

Long story short, she is receiving regular checkup with Kkh and has successfully grow up well and meeting all her milestones. She is starting on fish now after being on her hypoallergenic diet for months. Nobody know the reason why she is so sick. They need time to tell what is her condition. The gastro team thinks it is food allergic. The immunologist thinkS Otherwise. He suspected it is a rare gut disease. Only time will tell but seriously I know is something not serious.

Takin care of her is stressful. I need to cook every meal for her and make sure her health is good so that her white blood cells will be back to normal. Now it is but it is just back to normal so she is still considered as having low immune. I couldn't go out and have fun as usual. I couldn't bring her along. My hands are suffering ecezma due to frequent washing of hands. My house is clean, and that is the price to pay.

My hubby and I are always quarreling. About money. Well, Caitlyn is a PRADA baby. Her milk powder alone cost a bomb. We gave her the best. I am too tired to go
Into details. Just hope 2015 will be better.

It better be.

She is learning to walk! :)

Phew... has been doing a new schedule for my 15 months old Caitlyn and that is to reduce her nap from two to one. It is more tiring for me as I need to play and keep her awake from the time she is awake till 2.30pm! That is long! Then I realize with this much of time, she is able to play and learn more. I can also feed and bathe her at my own pace as I need not rush her for her morning nap. ;)

I recently bought a second hand play yard and I can say that it is a thumbs up buy! I can play with her at ease as she can hold the play yard and learn to walk and when she fell, she has ample support to prevent a perspiring and giddy mummy!!! Hahahhaha! And after using it for a few times, her ability to walk increases!!! She is now starting to walk by herself and she even dance while walking today. Super adorable!!! But still,every toy has their CONS.

As it is Haenim Play yard so it is made of plastic, there are holes and the little ones tend to get their arms stuck while falling down. This is very dangerous as they might fracture their arms. And if you built it into a rectangular shape, the connectors tend to get loose and may even came out so one needs to be very careful.

And I could say that little Caitlyn is definitely getting better as day goes by. Jia you baby! You ar catching up fast!

2 in 1

Meetup with the dietrician

                               Auntie Annie bought this pretty green dress for Caitlyn!

Dont she look like a doll wearing it?

As her immune is low, we always need to "hide" ourselves at this corner of Clinic K in KKH as it is very quiet. We will buy our lunch and eat there and feed her after we are done. It is already ironic to be in a hospital when you are supposed to avoid crowd in air conditioned places.So this is the most we can do. After we are done, we will let her wear her mask to protect her. We also sanitize our hands on and off in the hospital.

I am so happy! The dietrician allowed her to start on millet, quionoas, oat, rice milk, oat milk and she recommended me buying cake and pancake mix from Orgran. It is made especially for people who need to be on a full hypoallergenic diet! I am screaming with joy inside me as my little girl can have more choices for food!!

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Our Father's Day

Took little Caitlyn out for a "walk" at Punggol Waterway. Main motive is to bake this little girl with the morning sun. We would usually leave by 8.45am as the sun will get quite warm. We will set off at latest 7.30am. Lucky us to stay near Punggol Waterway.

She is very happy to have daddy piggybacked her! Nick is in pain though as little one grabbed on to his hair like nobody business! Haahhaha!

Tired Caitlyn after the walk.

Sam Pat Mummy Carole trying another hairstyle on Caitlyn. Really loved having a daughter! I can dolled her up like nobody business! :P

Bye Bye people! Finally ended with my own picture and not my daughter's! Only with a 38 hair! Bleah!

My ScreAmer and TV MOnsTer

This little Caitlyn has become such a screamer!
When she is excited, she screams!
When she is happy, she screams!
When she wants something, she screams!
When she is angry, she screams!

Gosh, really trying to think hard why this little girl loves to scream. Realise it started when she is young as Stephanie told me to stop her from doing it. I did not really care at that point as it isnt bothering me. But recently, it is getting on my nerves.

A recap of lifestyle, who loves to raise voice in our family?
Me - I raise my voice only when I shout from one room to another to call another person to do things or help me as it is urgent.
My Mum - Same
Nick - He always raise his voice (to the extent of shouting seeing how angry he is) to win an argument.

Whatever it is, I highlighted to Nick that we should talk softly as the little one is turning into a screamer.
He nodded.

Little one has also started to go Free Hand more when she is standing! I spotted her cruise in a semi circle form freehand. :) Hope she can learn to walk soon!

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I also have a love and hate relationship with the television!

LOVE
- Caitlyn eats smoothly when she is watching her favourite show.
- I can wash my dishes at ease when she is watching the television facing me on her high chair.

HATE
- MY mother and husband are obsessed with television. My mum will not help me at times as she needs to catch a show.
- MY hubby will be talking about the show when obviously I am not interested. He will also gets angry when I don't allow him to watch. He will also be spending 70% attention on television and 30% attention on Caitlyn.
- The television is very close to my living room area where I put the mat for Caitlyn to play on, and most of the time she will be looking up at the television. Sometimes it will only be 2cm away! There is once when Nick is away bathing, I switched it off and played her music instead. I could sense his anger when he is out of the bathroom as he is catching the show.


Well, I could say TV monsters are all scary!!!!!!  :(

Active Baby!

Little Caitlyn is making so much progress now! It is so fun being with her everyday.
She has now learnt to :
- Hold objects and stand up steadily
- Cruise around unsteadily due to her tip toeing
- Bent down and take objects while she is standing with support
- Stand HANDS FREE for 3 seconds
- Crawls a short distance before going back to LEOPARD CRAWL with occasionally "head bang"

These are her big physical milestones after she is back! I could say I am very happy for her bubbly character now and many commented that she is very smiley! :)

She is still on hypoallergenic diet, iron drops, MCT oil and Neocate. I hope she can eat anything once she grows up. JIA YOU BABY!!!

Try tieing her hair and she looks very naughty!!! :P   

Guess she learnt this pouting face from me!

Yesterday Kayven came and play with her! They have a whooping good time as this little girl suffered a "Too excited to sleep" aftermath, which made mummy Carole frustrated! Well, as long as she is happy, I am fine!

If only..

So what if I cannot get enough sleep...

So what if I have to wash the dishes till my fingers ache...

So what if I have to get up early in the morning to cook....

So what if I have backache from taking care of my little one...

So what if I dont look as good as before...

As long as u smile...

As long as u laugh...

As long as u slowly meet the milestones that you missed out...

As long as u are healthy...

As long as u are with me...

With us...

In your cotbed...

Sleeping soundly...

Without the gossips of what actually caused you to...

(I do not dare to think, to think back of the three months we spent, in the boring looking room, at your poor hands and legs filled with needles poking, at the horrible drip that you are hooked on)

I am glad there is no definite answer to why you suffered,

as the answer is not a common one.

I just wished that in the near future,

you will be able to taste everything,

devour every food,

and be able to digest it real well.

As for now,

I feel very thankful,

I feel very blessed,

to have you,

slowly back on the recovery route.

You have a lot to catchup,

Your milestones,

Is okay,

Mummy will help you,

Slowly we will reach there.

Motherhood

The day when Caitlyn is born, joy filled Nick and me up. She is normal and healthy as she cried loudly. My first question to my gynae was "Is she normal?" Nick was very surprised at how fast Caitlyn appeared before us as I am unable to push her out although she was crowning. My gynae used forceps to assist her out within seconds! I remembered Nick's happy face when he saw Caitlyn. Caitlyn was placed on my chest soon after birth and she has her first suck at my breast. "A very good sucker" is what came to my mind. A gush of love filled me up and from that moment, our whole life is about her, Xie Qing Ru, Caitlyn. :)

It wasn't easy taking care of her from the start as she is premature and I am tested GBS positive so there are a lot of things to look out while taking care of her. And she choke on my breast on the 3rd day after we took her home and she turned blue. This incident left me a great amount of phobia and it took me about 3 weeks to breastfeed her again. My one whole month of confinement are HELL to me as it was filled with episodes of Caitlyn being hospitalized and my engorgement.

 Day after day passed and my family supported me a lot and Caitlyn put on a lot of weight after I latch her on. She is a proud fully breast feed baby now with a weight percentile of 90!! That is a lot right? I have decided to train her on 3 hours feed instead to cut down her percentile. Mummy's and Daddy's hands and fingers are aching! My dear little girl is 2 months and 3 weeks old now. Not exactly cause she is born at 36 weeks and I am glad to say she has meet most of her milestones. She is a very drowsy baby still. :) Her weight increase is my report card to my breastfeeding.

A baby change our life completely. We have no more ME or WE time we cannot sleep peacefully throughout the night anymore, no more late mornings to wake up, no more slow and easy meals, no more facial masks and manicure time. It is tough but I am grinding my teeth holding on, all for the sake of my only girl. No one can replace the amount of love I have for her.

  -This new found love. Mothers. They are noble.-

Entering third trimester

Getting happier and happier everyday and definitely very looking forward to the arrival of my baby girl! I am feeling more of her kicks, movements, hiccups, rounded ankles and it is so cute!!! Imagine your tummy to wobble like a jelly but is because you are having a new life in your tum tum. This feeling is so sweet, happy, blessed and hard to explain and everyday you just love this new being more and more. No wonder mother's love is so noble!

Only a mother knows another mother! I am listening to her cot mobile's music now while blogging and pleasant images are in my head now with she sleeping soundly in her cotbed. I could't want to be frightened by news of endless crying of a baby yet. Yet? Well, I have been in childcare line myself for years and has mastered a certain level of tolearance towards crying so I hope it will not be a problem! Reaching 32 weeks of pregancy, I am starting to organise her stuffs and hubby and I are so busy washing her stuffs. We are blessed to have lots of handdowns clothes from friends.

Still deciding if to confirm her christian name as "Caitlyn". Named this and it starts with "C" (Carole) and ends with "N" (Nick). The meaning of her name is PURE. Hmm, mama Carole needs more time to think. Seriously, I think the hardest part is to give my precious a name!!!!

  -I wish you health and happiness,my sweet daughter- -Mummy and Daddy loves you very much-

Year 2013 first post

Yes! Back! And with an extra member in my tummy. My little baby girl! Life is really so interesting after marriage! First, I got a house and out of joy and pleasure, my husband and I received a gift from heaven, just when I am asking myself what is my next goal.Everything just falls into place by itself. This is life. My next step will be motherhood. Motherhood starts the moment when I am pregnat. Although it is a rough start as I have all the "NoNo" syptoms of first trimester,I am enjoying my pregancy now as I feel my little girl's movements in my tummy. The more I feel her, the more I loved her!At first, I could only feel her at one place of my tummy. Now I could feel my top and bottom of tummy moved together when she moves! Sometimes my whole tummy wobbles! I tried putting a soft toy on my tummy and in 5 seconds time, my little girl moved and the toy dropped. Keke! So cute! I have started to buy my little girl's barang barang and Daddy Nick has to move his butt to clear our study room and built racks for our storeroom. Mummy Carole has to quickly go shopping to use up the vouchers for baby's shopping before third trimester hit. I am walking more slowly now as breathless is catching up. Little baby is growing well in tummy! :)

Phew~

Wow...renovating is really made up of hiccups, sweat and hopefully joy. Had a super big fight with hubby yesterday about false ceiling. Conclusion is that wishy washy Carole is irritating and I should trust the entire project to the ID. OK done. Checked. Ticked. I will zip my mouth.

All we hope for is a nice job by the workers. What more can we ask for? Unluckily, on the first day, the workers scratched and caused a slight dent on our timber skirting behind the main door. Our main door is also "decorated" with tiny scratches. Hubby is very hungry and point this out to my ID. ID promised that he will get it fixed and the timber skirting will be wrapped up. Today when we went, the timber skirting is still naked. Hubby told the ID that he would want him to replace the skirting if it is damaged again and he mean it. The ID actually got down and cover the skirting himself even before the workers come! Guess he must be guilty too as yesterday the electrician was suppose to fix our house but he didn't turned up. Hubby wasted a day of leave for that. Well, so far, the kerb and tiling are well done. Now they are all working hard in Sapphire doing up the kerb, electricty and air con piping.

I do hope the working relationship between the ID and us would be a good one. I prayed hard for lesser hiccups. And I have learnt to entrust this big project to my hubby.

Carole Yeo, don't kepo liao!!!!!

Sapphire Siaoz

Missed lots of updates as I am super busy with my new nest and I actually visited it everyday since my key collection except for one weekend. Reason being we need to do defect check and hope Hdb will verify and fix up our stuffs before cny. Ideally, renovation will start after cny and we can move in before April. Nick and me love our new nest a lot and has not much complaints about it.

Ironically, people has been predicting end of the world at 2012. Even my mummy is talking about it and say that sincere prayers might get us off this crisis. I really dislike listening to these news as who knows what lies ahead of us? I don't like predictions. Who can fix our future? Why think so much when there is already enough to think everyday? Ok, I should say practically the reason for end of world might be cause of Dragon year and Chinese believe it is lucky and baby boom cause over population as the world is flooded with diapers....

Well, just live by the day and treasure every moment! Live everyday like it's your last!!!!

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas!!!! Spent my eve at jessie's place!!! We spent $10 each and manage to do a buffet for all of us! Food included pizza, fishballs, roast chicken, ribs, Longan dessert, squid head and body, fried rice, oyster omelette... Have a full meal before we take pictures and have a fun time exchanging gift. Everyone is satisfied with their gift.

Gonna attend a wedding tomorrow at the hotel that I get married and is Christmas! It is very meaningful to me!! :)

Enjoy the vain pictures!

First Xmas party 2011

Had my first one today at Mummy May's place. Tired her needs to rest and her hubby serves us all the way and do the dishes. That is the biggest advantage of being pregnant, you are the Queen!!! Haha!!!

I arrived super late and by the time I reached, everyone look wear out from a day's work. Exchange gifts (with different numbers) and ate a super yummy and posh chocolate tart.

A simple yet cosy celebration. Hope we didn't tired May and Meyer out!!! Photos below... Not in sequence..... :)

Jolly jolly - I smell my keys!!!!

Meetup with jieying and melissa for a Xmas plus belated bday cele for jieying. We went to Sady's Diner at Tpy community centre (bought the voucher through groupon) and I could say, the food is yummy!!! Had a sumptuous dinner plus chit chat session.

After that, we walked around tpy central and by the time we reached amk, it is already about 10.30pm. Cafes are closed and we couldn't get a decent place to sit down for a slice of bday cake for jieying. Reluctantly, we went to Mac and settled for drinks and chat. As normal, catchup is great and chitchat is fun. Jieying is quite amused with my drawing of her although it only has a slight resemblance. Jieying came up with an idea to meetup one day to draw a picture of one another. Haha!!! She gave Melissa and me a Xmas socks full of gifts. Lovely of her!!

Lastly, I finally get my notification of keys collection. I can finally see it coming!! Woo hoo!!!!! Another phase of life beginning!!!! :)